Hurt

There are times when I am a blazing inferno of anger. I don't get angry very often, but when I do, it becomes very hard... not for others, but for me. My anger is self destructive. It grows from the seeds of hurt. Hurt collects in me drop by drop, from people to people over time, until one day it bursts forth... It erupts, a huge volcano. Vesuvius crumbles. I don't like anger. I don't enjoy or cherish anger. I fear it. I keep it away. I have seen more than my fair share of it in life, and it, like the slingshot of David has always managed to hurt me- the Goliath. The Goliath of hurt. The Goliath who got hurt.

Hurt- a four letter word with a brimming ocean-full of meaning, and an oceanful of creatures squirming in it. Soaking in hurt, struggling in hurt, drowning in hurt. Hurt is the biggest reason I dread getting close to people. Getting close to people is like a "cat in heat," it ends up giving birth to little baby difficulties. Little baby difficulties named hurt. There is this, soundproof, opaque wall between people who are acquaintances, siblings, or even friends, but closeness takes that away. Shatters the sacred wall. Now you are visible. You are cold. You are naked. You are weak. You are vulnerable. You trust., and before long you are hurt.

Closeness develops in you this telepathic, superpowerish thing. You can hear the unspoken, feel the unexplicit, you sense! You are like a snake- whether in the grass or in the glass, you know everything. Communication is no longer vital. It is a mere accessory. You know the person, you know their idiosyncracies, you know it all. Then time, the eternal villain, changes and the person changes with it, but your mutant superpower remains. You still notice everything. Nothing escapes you. You notice that the conversation in the room suddenly stops when you walk in. Someone close is sitting in the room. You hurt. You notice the lie, covered in the pretty icing of fabricated facts. Someone close has told it. You hurt. You notice the stories being told behind your back. You know the someone close who has told them. You hurt. You notice that the ending which is at hand, becomes bitter. You hurt.

You notice the decreasing propinquity, subtle sircasms, feigned ignorances, missing idiosyncracies, hidden truths, you notice it all. And you most definitely notice the fact that you have opened your heart out to a person and have got a raw deal in the bargain. You know it's not work, not stress, you just know... You have been used! What do you do now? Flame and go up in ashes in self destructive anger? Let it be, hold it all in, and silently explode? Walk away quietly? Maybe you do it all. You forgive, but you can't forget...